When Boundaries Go Wrong: Understanding Boundary Problems (Chapter 3 of Boundaries)

Ever felt like you’re either doing too much for others or feeling completely disconnected from people? Chances are, your boundaries are out of balance.

In Chapter 3 of Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend break down four common boundary problemsthat cause stress, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. Let’s unpack them—and figure out how to get back to a healthier place.

The Four Types of Boundary Problems

Think of boundaries as a healthy balance between connection and protection. When they don’t function properly, they show up in four ways:

Compliants: The People-Pleasers (“Yes” to the Bad)

Compliants have a hard time saying no—even when they should.

• They fear disappointing others, so they overextend themselves.

• They feel guilty when setting limits, so they let people take advantage of them.

• They absorb others’ toxic behaviors instead of setting boundaries.

Example: Robert, a new client, was spending money he didn’t have just to meet his wife’s never-ending demands. Growing up, he was taught that saying no was “bad manners”—so he never learned to stand his ground.

💡 Key takeaway: If you constantly feel drained and resentful, you might be saying “yes” when you need to say “no.”

Avoidants: The Lone Wolves (“No” to the Good)

Avoidants struggle to ask for help—even when they desperately need it.

• They say no to support, love, and connection.

• They believe being vulnerable is weak or unsafe.

• They withdraw when struggling, instead of reaching out.

Example: Rachel never talked about her own struggles, even in her small group. She thought her problems weren’t “big enough” compared to others. She avoided help—and ended up feeling isolated.

💡 Key takeaway: Healthy boundaries allow us to let in support, not just keep out harm.

Controllers: The Bulldozers (Not Respecting Others’ Boundaries)

Controllers don’t accept other people’s boundaries.

• They feel entitled to others’ time, energy, and resources.

• They push, guilt-trip, or manipulate people into saying yes.

• They don’t respect when someone says no.

Example: Steve was a boss who constantly called his assistant after hours, expected unpaid overtime, and made him cancel vacations. When his assistant quit, Steve was shocked.

💡 Key takeaway: If someone doesn’t respect your “no,” that’s a red flag. Stand firm.

Non-Responsives: The Emotionally Distant (Ignoring Others’ Needs)

Non-responsives fail to care for others appropriately.

• They expect people to handle their own struggles—no matter how big.

• They lack empathy or dismiss emotions as “not their problem.”

• They might also be so overwhelmed that they don’t have the capacity to care.

Example: When a friend was struggling with depression, Jake told him to “tough it out” instead of offering support. He had poor emotional boundaries.

💡 Key takeaway: Healthy people are responsible for their own lives—but they still care for others in times of need.

How to Fix Boundary Problems

1️⃣ If you’re a Compliant → Practice saying no in small, low-stakes situations.
2️⃣ If you’re an Avoidant → Start letting people in. Vulnerability builds trust.
3️⃣ If you’re a Controller → Learn to hear no and respect it.
4️⃣ If you’re a Non-Responsive → Recognize when others need help—and step up.

Challenge: This week, pay attention to where your boundary struggles show up. Are you saying yes when you should say no? Are you isolating instead of connecting?

Final Thought: Boundaries Are About Balance

Setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish—it’s about finding the right balance. When we overextend or shut people out, we lose connection. Healthy boundaries let us love freely while protecting ourselves.

If you’re considering therapy and wondering whether Kind Therapy may be a good fit, you can book a consultation to start the conversation. If you’d like to learn more about common concerns, relationship patterns, and approaches to therapy, you can also explore our Guides.

📖 Want to dive deeper? Read Chapter 3 of Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

📌 Reference

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2012). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.